T. Rigney (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} filmfiend) wrote,@ 2006-03-31 11:20:00 |
|
Under Siege 2
The greatest American hero returns to save your ass. Again.
---
One of the few sequels Seagal has ever done, Under Siege 2 puts us back in touch with that lovable aikido chef Casey Ryback. In case you don't know how Hollywood works, Under Siege 2 is the sequel to Andrew Davis' bang-bang-shoot-em-up masterpiece Under Siege, which was a pretty big movie back in the day. It featured Seagal as a former Navy Seal who just so happens to be the only man capable of defeating both Gary Busey -- in a dress, no less -- and walking 70's flashback Tommy Lee Jones before they steal a bunch of nuclear weapons from a battleship. It was good clean fun, full of broken bones and grisly lacerations. The only thing that saved that movie from being a complete turd was our man Davis, who went on to direct several high-profile studio projects, including the Harrison Ford vehicle The Fugitive.
If Under Siege had hopes of rising above its B-movie roots, Under Siege 2 is content with wallowing in the land of campy dialogue, silly action, and impossibly heroic deeds of daring-do. On his way to attend his brother's funeral, our good friend Casey Ryback hops on a train and sets off to pay his last respects. Along for the ride is his snotty little neice Sarah, who used to be pretty close with her uncle, back when he and her father were still on speaking terms. Before you can say "Uh-oh! Hotdog!" a group of flamboyant terrorists hijack the train and take everyone hostage, including that adorable scamp Sarah. Led by a bored Eric Bogosian, this band of merry men plan to use a top-secret government satellite to cause a massive earthquake beneath the Pentagon, rupturing the nuclear core they've got stored in the basement. What they don't know is that Ryback's hiding out in the kitchen -- AGAIN -- and he's not going to let a bunch of goons destroy our way of life for a few hundred million dollars. No way.
Who knew that the Pentagon was sitting on some sort of nuclear thing-a-ma-bob? Kooky!
Anyway, that's what you have to look forward to in the story department, folks. I wish I could say that this rather cliched cluster of action set pieces is rescued by witty dialogue and knock-out performances, but I just can't do that. Under Siege 2 is a bloated corpse of an action movie, ripe with a putrid script and a cast that looks as though they were blackmailed into signing on for the project. I mean, how do you ruin a movie that features Kurtwood Smith, Nick Mancuso, Everett McGill, Peter Greene, and the ultimate Bad Guy #2, Patrick Kilpatrick? How do you ruin that? I don't know how, exactly, but they managed to do so with just enough tongue-in-cheek humor to keep you from taking things too seriously. Everyone either spouts tired one-liners or speaks in soundbites filled with phony techno-babble, all in order to help push the story forward. Since your neighbor's kiddie pool has more depth than the script, you'll hear quite a few details more than once. For example, when a CD containing launch codes goes missing, I think I heard Mr. Bogosian tell me at least three or four times that the computer wouldn't work without it. Guess what? I already knew that...BEFORE you told me!
Then again, who am I kidding? We're not hear for the award-winning script or the sweeping cinematography! We're here to watch Seagal kick a little ass and break a few elbows, am I right? Well, Under Siege 2 is overloaded with insanely goofy action. Terrorists are thrown under trains, tossed from helicopters, shot in the face, set on fire, stabbed in the throat -- you name it. And if all this silly stuff isn't enough to satiate your appetite for blood and guts, perhaps the final battle between Everett McGill and Seagal will bed down the proverbial beast. Though it's not as gory as his previous efforts, it still features plenty of cringe-worthy acts of gratuitous violence. Hoorah!
If it were made yesterday, Under Siege 2 would be released by Sony Pictures for the direct-to-video market. Some of the stunts are impressive, yes, but the CGI is a mess, the green screens are lousy, and the performances are downright embarrassing in spots. And as much as I love Boyz N The Hood, Morris Chestnut is a bad actor. A VERY bad actor. That said, Under Siege 2 still managed to keep this easy-to-entertain film fiend engaged for roughly 90 minutes or so, give or take a few minutes when I blanked out and hit my head on the edge of the guton. But when I sit down with a movie, by God, that's all I'm really asking for: mindless entertainment. If you manage to create a piece of art along the way, kudos to you! If not, well, just don't bore me.
And let's face it: I'm not that hard to please.
The greatest American hero returns to save your ass. Again.
---
One of the few sequels Seagal has ever done, Under Siege 2 puts us back in touch with that lovable aikido chef Casey Ryback. In case you don't know how Hollywood works, Under Siege 2 is the sequel to Andrew Davis' bang-bang-shoot-em-up masterpiece Under Siege, which was a pretty big movie back in the day. It featured Seagal as a former Navy Seal who just so happens to be the only man capable of defeating both Gary Busey -- in a dress, no less -- and walking 70's flashback Tommy Lee Jones before they steal a bunch of nuclear weapons from a battleship. It was good clean fun, full of broken bones and grisly lacerations. The only thing that saved that movie from being a complete turd was our man Davis, who went on to direct several high-profile studio projects, including the Harrison Ford vehicle The Fugitive.
If Under Siege had hopes of rising above its B-movie roots, Under Siege 2 is content with wallowing in the land of campy dialogue, silly action, and impossibly heroic deeds of daring-do. On his way to attend his brother's funeral, our good friend Casey Ryback hops on a train and sets off to pay his last respects. Along for the ride is his snotty little neice Sarah, who used to be pretty close with her uncle, back when he and her father were still on speaking terms. Before you can say "Uh-oh! Hotdog!" a group of flamboyant terrorists hijack the train and take everyone hostage, including that adorable scamp Sarah. Led by a bored Eric Bogosian, this band of merry men plan to use a top-secret government satellite to cause a massive earthquake beneath the Pentagon, rupturing the nuclear core they've got stored in the basement. What they don't know is that Ryback's hiding out in the kitchen -- AGAIN -- and he's not going to let a bunch of goons destroy our way of life for a few hundred million dollars. No way.
Who knew that the Pentagon was sitting on some sort of nuclear thing-a-ma-bob? Kooky!
Anyway, that's what you have to look forward to in the story department, folks. I wish I could say that this rather cliched cluster of action set pieces is rescued by witty dialogue and knock-out performances, but I just can't do that. Under Siege 2 is a bloated corpse of an action movie, ripe with a putrid script and a cast that looks as though they were blackmailed into signing on for the project. I mean, how do you ruin a movie that features Kurtwood Smith, Nick Mancuso, Everett McGill, Peter Greene, and the ultimate Bad Guy #2, Patrick Kilpatrick? How do you ruin that? I don't know how, exactly, but they managed to do so with just enough tongue-in-cheek humor to keep you from taking things too seriously. Everyone either spouts tired one-liners or speaks in soundbites filled with phony techno-babble, all in order to help push the story forward. Since your neighbor's kiddie pool has more depth than the script, you'll hear quite a few details more than once. For example, when a CD containing launch codes goes missing, I think I heard Mr. Bogosian tell me at least three or four times that the computer wouldn't work without it. Guess what? I already knew that...BEFORE you told me!
Then again, who am I kidding? We're not hear for the award-winning script or the sweeping cinematography! We're here to watch Seagal kick a little ass and break a few elbows, am I right? Well, Under Siege 2 is overloaded with insanely goofy action. Terrorists are thrown under trains, tossed from helicopters, shot in the face, set on fire, stabbed in the throat -- you name it. And if all this silly stuff isn't enough to satiate your appetite for blood and guts, perhaps the final battle between Everett McGill and Seagal will bed down the proverbial beast. Though it's not as gory as his previous efforts, it still features plenty of cringe-worthy acts of gratuitous violence. Hoorah!
If it were made yesterday, Under Siege 2 would be released by Sony Pictures for the direct-to-video market. Some of the stunts are impressive, yes, but the CGI is a mess, the green screens are lousy, and the performances are downright embarrassing in spots. And as much as I love Boyz N The Hood, Morris Chestnut is a bad actor. A VERY bad actor. That said, Under Siege 2 still managed to keep this easy-to-entertain film fiend engaged for roughly 90 minutes or so, give or take a few minutes when I blanked out and hit my head on the edge of the guton. But when I sit down with a movie, by God, that's all I'm really asking for: mindless entertainment. If you manage to create a piece of art along the way, kudos to you! If not, well, just don't bore me.
And let's face it: I'm not that hard to please.
