Cradle 2 The Grave
Jet Li and DMX team up. Again. Woo-hoo.

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It's probably best to view Cradle 2 the Grave, starring rapper-turned-future-Lifetime-movie-star DMX and scrappy kung-fu wizard Jet Li, as a poor attempt at the superhero genre by cinematographer-turned-director Andrzej Bartkowiak, who, you may remember, directed DMX and Jet Li in Romeo Must Die, then went on to work with Steven Segal and DMX (notice a trend?) in Exit Wounds. All of them classics. *cough* Okay, okay. So they're not good movies. But they're a nice way to spend two hours allowing the drool to collect in the bottom of your mouth.

But, I digress.

To those who are saying, "Man, this ain't no fuckin' superhero movie," allow me to explain. First of all, you have the group dynamic. The bald black dude that isn't DMX is your Man of Above-Average Intelligence, who is also handy with a sniper rifle. Then you have Gabrielle Union, who plays the Hot Chick With Amazing Powers; not only is she a master of kung-fu, but she gives one hell of a mean lapdance. Next is Tom Arnold and Anthony Anderson: The Comedic Sidekicks. They have no skills whatsoever, other than trying to make us laugh. Oh, yeah. They failed. AGAIN. Finally, we have our Superhero Centerpieces: Jet Li and DMX. Jet Li is the heroic ying to DMX's criminal yang. Li is a cop and a master of flailing, jumping, climbing, and falling from buildings one story at a time. DMX, however, is not only a brutal street-brawler, but also a sensitive, caring father who gives stolen merchandise to his 8 year-old daughter as a token of his affection. How fucking sweet is that shit, huh?

Secondly, these six "superheroes" are also able to take on multiple enemies at the same time, overcome great odds, learn how to use complex pieces of machinery within the span of a few seconds, and keep the moral high with some of their co-workers are feeling more a little depressed that terrorists have kidnapped a member of their family. There, there. X gon give it to them.

And, finally, they leave the film open for a sequel.

Nuff said.

I should also mention that their troubles seem to show up at the same time, linking them only by their ability to turn impossible situations into mind-boggling feats of daring do! For example, while Jet Li fights off a dozen or so burly bastards inside a cramped, chain-link cage, DMX escapes the police on an ATV across the rooftops of Los Angeles. I think it's LA; big American cities all look alike to me. Then again, what do I know?

For those of you who are familiar with the likes of X-Men, The Fantastic Four, X-Factor, and all of those marvel superhero factions, you'll notice a pattern. What we have here, I think is, is just another superhero outfit that goes by the moniker Cradle 2 The Grave, because that's the only way I know how to work the title into the movie. Otherwise, it just doesn't make sense. I guess they needed a number in there since this was going to be aimed at the urban market. But what do I know?

And let's face it people: Mark Dacascos is a blast to watch. It's a shame that he gets stuffed into B-grade films; his turn in Brotherhood of the Wolf was a smart one, and I think he's capable of better things. He's one of the better martial arts working in mainstream cinema, considering how well he held his own with the likes of the speedy Jet Li. He seemed to be able to match Li blow-for-blow, unlike the fight scene between Kelly Hu and Gabrielle Union, where Hu just seemed to be holding back. But, again, what do I know?

Cradle 2 the Grave is an interesting piece of cinematic bullshit, mostly because of its completely absurd script. The "world's foremost arms dealers" gather in some random hanger in the middle of nowhere to watch a lightshow by Dacascos while he tries to sell them plutonium that has been converted to the size and shape of black diamonds(!). Now, has their ever been a movie that gathered the world's criminal masterminds into the same room that WASN'T directed by David Zucker? I think this is the first time I've seen someone try to make me believe that something like this could actually happen without making me laugh at the same time, especially considering who they picked to portray these so-called "arms dealers." Give me a break. I seriously doubt the world's foremost arms dealers shop at The Gap and lick their lips like salivating dogs when someone waves a shiny piece of equipment in their face. Again, what do I know?

Anyway, watch Cradle 2 the Grave if a) you like Jet Li, b) you like DMX, or c) you like just watching people get hurt in lots of interesting ways.

Oh, and Gabrielle Union's booty.