Road House 2: Last Call
Aug. 1st, 2006 | 11:31 am
Schaech your booty.
---
Saying you need a sequel to the Patrick Swayze "classic" Road House is akin to admitting that, yes, you wouldn't mind another life-threatening brain tumor. Since ol' Swayz decided he wasn't interested in reprising his role as James Dalton, there's really no point whatsoever in moving ahead with the project. Am I right? But common sense doesn't apply to the Hollywood bottom line, silly goose! If the idea could POSSIBLY make someone a little money, it's probably going to happen, regardless of whether or not these quick cash-in sequels completely disrespect the source material. Such is the case with Scott Ziehl's Road House 2: Last Call, which might be the most pointless sequel EVER MADE. Instead of getting someone else to play the part of James Dalton, the powers that be have decided to follow the adventures of his son Shane Tanner, played by the utterly forgettable Johnathon Schaech. There are a FEW redeeming moments to be found within, but for the most part it's a complete wash-out. And if the DVD artwork isn't enough to make you bust a gut with laughter, then perhaps watching Will Patton and Jake Busey indulge in a little one-on-one martial arts wizardry will.
I kid you not.
As stated, Road House 2 revolves around tough-as-nails DEA agent Shane Tanner, who pretty much comes and goes as he pleases without catching too much poo-poo from his bosses. Lovely! While deep undercover, Shane learns that his Uncle Nate (Will Patton) just got his balls handed to him by a group of stereotypical bad guys because he's unwilling to sell his pretty little bar. How brutally touching. Deciding family matters are more important than ridding the world of drug dealers and the garbage they peddle, Shane takes off for Louisiana to find out who wiped the floor with his relative. Once there, he decides to run the bar in his uncle's absence, much to the dismay of local thug-4-life Wild Bill (Jake Busey). You see, Wild Bill wants to purchase the bar since it's located in a prime location for running drugs(!), and he'll stop at nothing to acquire it. But Shane isn't going down like a punk, of course, and he deals some serious damage to the numerous goons Bill sends his way. Things get nasty, people get beaten to a pulp, and Wild Bill's boss (Richard Norton) decides its time to handle matters personally before they get completely out-of-control. Faced with impossible odds and a constantly dwindling staff at the road house, Shane teams up with saucy blonde bad-ass Beau (Ellen Hoffman) to rid Louisiana of a ton of bad action movie cliches. Action ensues.
Scott Ziehl isn't exactly what you'd call an auteur; his films range from mediocre (Demon Hunter) to downright appalling (Cruel Intentions 3), and none of them have anything whatsoever in common. No style. No substance. NOTHING. So it's really no surprise that Road House 2: Last Call continues this trend of underwhelming cinema, though he does show marked improvement with this effort. Instead of looking like a made-for-TV movie, Road House 2 manages to look like the direct-to-video release it was destined to be. The film itself occasionally looks nice, and the fight scenes are actually quite entertaining, but that's pretty much it. Of course, most of the problems lie in that abysmal script co-written by Mr. Jimmy Mattingly himself. Schaech apparently LOVES putting himself smack dab in the middle of numerous erotic encounters since, you know, he's so drop-dead gorgeous and all. Please. As a sex symbol, he's got NOTHING on that moldy loaf of bread collecting dust atop my refrigerator. He's buff enough to play the part, don't get me wrong, but he lacks the charisma and, more importantly, the acting chops to make you believe it. This vanilla milk Schaech ain't bringin' nothing to the yard, pal.
As expected, the performances are pretty lame across the board. As mentioned, Schaech is a big bag of cement with a six-pack, grinning and kicking his way through a number of forgettable scenes. Will Patton should be ashamed of himself; he's capable of much better things. Bad Patton! Bad! Jake Busey, while unbelievable as the villainous Wild Bill, is at least having fun with his role. He's totally out-of-control and completely over-the-top, but that's just Busey. I mean, look who his father is, for crying out loud. Did you expect anything different? Come on. The only individual who manages to shine is Ellen Hoffman who, for some bizarre reason, didn't bother me at all. "Wait, Todd. Is it because she's skinny, blonde, and hot?" Not exactly, though the final reel cat fight is probably the best sequence in the film. But that's not it. Hoffman treats her role seriously, attempting to play Shane's leggy love interest with as little camp as possible. And considering this is a movie ripe with cheese, her levity is welcomed. Kudos, Ellen! You're the gold tooth in the turd!
Richard Norton, meanwhile, is completely wasted. His short-lived confrontation with Schaech towards the end of the picture was a HUGE letdown. Damn it, Norton! Don't let people talk you into movies like this!
Of course, the only thing Road House 2 has going for it are the fight scenes, which actually manage to be quite thrilling at times. Most of them are nicely choreographed and suitably brutal, even if it's a little hard to swallow Will Patton and Jake Busey as competent fighters. And try as I might, I couldn't locate the fight director anywhere in the credits. Who staged these battles? I want to know. They're oddly reminiscent of Tony Jaa's style in Ong-Bak: all flying knees and elbows. Though they pale in comparison to the fights in the original Road House, I guess the filmmakers felt the need to update the fisticuffs for the modern movie-goer. Nobody wants to see burly men fist fight anymore; no, they want to see their heroes bounce off walls and spin kick some poor bozo in the grill. That's fine and dandy, but it doesn't quite work here. Fun? Definitely. Appropriate? Eh, probably not.
If you're desperate for action and don't mind spending some time with a walking, talking tree trunk, Road House 2: Last Call might be worth a rental. Emphasis on the MIGHT. Schaech will never be a leading man no matter how hard he tries. His turn here is a valiant effort, for sure, but he missed the mark yet again. The only thing worth investigating are the fight scenes, though they're really not THAT great when compared to the other kung fu wannabes you could spend your time with. Jake Busey fans will be the most delighted with this project, since it gives their favorite actor plenty of room to pile on the cheese. And while I'll be the first to admit I'm all about the cheese, it doesn't quite mesh with what Scott Ziehl and company were trying to accomplish.
In other words: Where's the beef?
---
Saying you need a sequel to the Patrick Swayze "classic" Road House is akin to admitting that, yes, you wouldn't mind another life-threatening brain tumor. Since ol' Swayz decided he wasn't interested in reprising his role as James Dalton, there's really no point whatsoever in moving ahead with the project. Am I right? But common sense doesn't apply to the Hollywood bottom line, silly goose! If the idea could POSSIBLY make someone a little money, it's probably going to happen, regardless of whether or not these quick cash-in sequels completely disrespect the source material. Such is the case with Scott Ziehl's Road House 2: Last Call, which might be the most pointless sequel EVER MADE. Instead of getting someone else to play the part of James Dalton, the powers that be have decided to follow the adventures of his son Shane Tanner, played by the utterly forgettable Johnathon Schaech. There are a FEW redeeming moments to be found within, but for the most part it's a complete wash-out. And if the DVD artwork isn't enough to make you bust a gut with laughter, then perhaps watching Will Patton and Jake Busey indulge in a little one-on-one martial arts wizardry will.
I kid you not.
As stated, Road House 2 revolves around tough-as-nails DEA agent Shane Tanner, who pretty much comes and goes as he pleases without catching too much poo-poo from his bosses. Lovely! While deep undercover, Shane learns that his Uncle Nate (Will Patton) just got his balls handed to him by a group of stereotypical bad guys because he's unwilling to sell his pretty little bar. How brutally touching. Deciding family matters are more important than ridding the world of drug dealers and the garbage they peddle, Shane takes off for Louisiana to find out who wiped the floor with his relative. Once there, he decides to run the bar in his uncle's absence, much to the dismay of local thug-4-life Wild Bill (Jake Busey). You see, Wild Bill wants to purchase the bar since it's located in a prime location for running drugs(!), and he'll stop at nothing to acquire it. But Shane isn't going down like a punk, of course, and he deals some serious damage to the numerous goons Bill sends his way. Things get nasty, people get beaten to a pulp, and Wild Bill's boss (Richard Norton) decides its time to handle matters personally before they get completely out-of-control. Faced with impossible odds and a constantly dwindling staff at the road house, Shane teams up with saucy blonde bad-ass Beau (Ellen Hoffman) to rid Louisiana of a ton of bad action movie cliches. Action ensues.
Scott Ziehl isn't exactly what you'd call an auteur; his films range from mediocre (Demon Hunter) to downright appalling (Cruel Intentions 3), and none of them have anything whatsoever in common. No style. No substance. NOTHING. So it's really no surprise that Road House 2: Last Call continues this trend of underwhelming cinema, though he does show marked improvement with this effort. Instead of looking like a made-for-TV movie, Road House 2 manages to look like the direct-to-video release it was destined to be. The film itself occasionally looks nice, and the fight scenes are actually quite entertaining, but that's pretty much it. Of course, most of the problems lie in that abysmal script co-written by Mr. Jimmy Mattingly himself. Schaech apparently LOVES putting himself smack dab in the middle of numerous erotic encounters since, you know, he's so drop-dead gorgeous and all. Please. As a sex symbol, he's got NOTHING on that moldy loaf of bread collecting dust atop my refrigerator. He's buff enough to play the part, don't get me wrong, but he lacks the charisma and, more importantly, the acting chops to make you believe it. This vanilla milk Schaech ain't bringin' nothing to the yard, pal.
As expected, the performances are pretty lame across the board. As mentioned, Schaech is a big bag of cement with a six-pack, grinning and kicking his way through a number of forgettable scenes. Will Patton should be ashamed of himself; he's capable of much better things. Bad Patton! Bad! Jake Busey, while unbelievable as the villainous Wild Bill, is at least having fun with his role. He's totally out-of-control and completely over-the-top, but that's just Busey. I mean, look who his father is, for crying out loud. Did you expect anything different? Come on. The only individual who manages to shine is Ellen Hoffman who, for some bizarre reason, didn't bother me at all. "Wait, Todd. Is it because she's skinny, blonde, and hot?" Not exactly, though the final reel cat fight is probably the best sequence in the film. But that's not it. Hoffman treats her role seriously, attempting to play Shane's leggy love interest with as little camp as possible. And considering this is a movie ripe with cheese, her levity is welcomed. Kudos, Ellen! You're the gold tooth in the turd!
Richard Norton, meanwhile, is completely wasted. His short-lived confrontation with Schaech towards the end of the picture was a HUGE letdown. Damn it, Norton! Don't let people talk you into movies like this!
Of course, the only thing Road House 2 has going for it are the fight scenes, which actually manage to be quite thrilling at times. Most of them are nicely choreographed and suitably brutal, even if it's a little hard to swallow Will Patton and Jake Busey as competent fighters. And try as I might, I couldn't locate the fight director anywhere in the credits. Who staged these battles? I want to know. They're oddly reminiscent of Tony Jaa's style in Ong-Bak: all flying knees and elbows. Though they pale in comparison to the fights in the original Road House, I guess the filmmakers felt the need to update the fisticuffs for the modern movie-goer. Nobody wants to see burly men fist fight anymore; no, they want to see their heroes bounce off walls and spin kick some poor bozo in the grill. That's fine and dandy, but it doesn't quite work here. Fun? Definitely. Appropriate? Eh, probably not.
If you're desperate for action and don't mind spending some time with a walking, talking tree trunk, Road House 2: Last Call might be worth a rental. Emphasis on the MIGHT. Schaech will never be a leading man no matter how hard he tries. His turn here is a valiant effort, for sure, but he missed the mark yet again. The only thing worth investigating are the fight scenes, though they're really not THAT great when compared to the other kung fu wannabes you could spend your time with. Jake Busey fans will be the most delighted with this project, since it gives their favorite actor plenty of room to pile on the cheese. And while I'll be the first to admit I'm all about the cheese, it doesn't quite mesh with what Scott Ziehl and company were trying to accomplish.
In other words: Where's the beef?
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The Tooth Fairy
Aug. 1st, 2006 | 04:00 pm
Darkness falls on an old legend. Again.
---
Stephen J. Cannell and Anchor Bay have been busy, busy, busy here lately. In addition to producing It Waits and Demon Hunter -- which have been discussed at length on this very site -- the veteran television wizard has also been involved with Steven R. Monroe's Left in Darkness and Don Michael Paul's The Garden, two films I'm actually looking forward to. Say what you will, but I find these Anchor Bay releases to be quite satisfying...in a disposable/fast food kind of way. It's not that I find them to be particularly good, mind you, but they do manage to entertain my sorry behind for roughly 90 minutes or so. They remind me of the direct-to-video releases I used to rent in the early 90's, though Cannell's productions tend to be a bit more polished than the majority of the garbage that contaminated my VCR back in the day. So sitting down with Stephen's recent production, entitled The Tooth Fairy, didn't seem like much of a stretch for yours truly. And though it does tackle the same subject matter found in 2003's Darkness Falls, I found Chuck Bowman's gory little creature feature to be infinitely more satisfying. Again, the filmmakers aren't trying to redefine the genre with this low-budget horror opus; they're just trying to entertain you with a little slice of throwaway cinema. And if you can give into the cheese, you'll do just fine.
Hunky nice guy Peter Campbell (Lochlyn Munro) has recently deserted his medical career and his budding relationship for the spacious countryside, where he plans to spend his days operating a bed & breakfast while attempting to hone his skills as an author. Peter invites ex-girlfriend Darcy and her young daughter Pamela to the house in hopes of convincing them that life in the country isn't as bad as they think it is. Of course, things get off to a rough start when Darcy is almost raped by the bumpkins who were squatting on Peter's property, causing his "sexy" little love interest to question her decision to take the trip in the first place. Within moments of their arrival at Peter's quaint little inn, Pamela encounters a little girl named Emma in the woodshed, whose Little House on the Prairie wardrobe suggests she's frozen in time. Emma warns Pamela that there's an evil witch lurking around the property, one that collects teeth and murders children. Being an avid Harry Potter fan, Pamela buys the story immediately, though her mom thinks its all a product of her child's overactive imagination. Before you can say "dental dam," Peter's handyman is stuffed and shredded inside a gigantic wood chipper. Everyone is understandably upset, but not for TOO long, of course. As if on cue, a kooky neighbor (P.J. Soles) confirms Pamela's story about the crazy witch with a tooth fetish, though Darcy and Peter believe the strange happenings to be the work of the redneck brothers who almost had their way with Pamela's curvy MILF. Could all this nonsense be the work of a pair of inbred siblings, or is something much more sinister afoot inside the bed & breakfast?
As you may have guessed from my attempt to summarize the proceedings, The Tooth Fairy isn't the most original idea to come down the pipeline. In fact, it's almost an entirely generic premise altogether. Creature in house terrorizes occupants. Big wow. However, Chuck Bowman manages to breath a little life into Cannell's paint-by-number script, resulting in a brisk, fast-paced jaunt through oh-so familiar territory. What separates The Tooth Fairy from Darkness Falls is the way the filmmakers have decided to tell their story. Instead of turning their goofy premise into a serious horror picture ala Jonathan Liebesman's questionable effort, Bowman and company are satisfied with wallowing in familiar B-movie territory, complete with ghostly children and sexy veterinarians. The characters are campy, the dialogue is beyond silly, and their creature is nothing more than a man in a rubber mask. But, somehow, they make it work. It also helps matters considerably that Bowman is a talented director with a history in television. And though some may claim the film feels TOO MUCH like a made-for-TV movie, this really didn't cause any hiccups in my viewing experience. Are my sights set too low? Perhaps. But when I sit down with something like The Tooth Fairy, I kind of shift gears in terms of what I expect from it. Though the script could have used a few rewrites, I can't knock the cast and crew for the shortcomings of the screenwriters.
Speaking of the cast, everyone on-board does a decent job, though some moreso than others. Lochlyn Munro is enjoyable as always, delivering a performance that's both subtle and impressive. I usually see this guy in outrageous comedic roles, so it's actually quite nice to see him turn down the intensity a bit. Chandra West is just okay, bringing nothing whatsoever to her role. That's not really a bad thing, mind you, but it does make her completely forgettable. In fact, I had to look her up on IMDB before writing this "review" since her name and face just didn't stick with me. Child actress Nicole Munoz does a fine job, as well, though it may be a little too After School Special for some genre fans to stomach. Cute kids don't mesh well with horror buffs, it seems, and I'm sure she'll be at the top of the bitch list once this movie finds its way into their home entertainment systems. I will say that Peter New and Ben Cotton are probably the best of the bunch as the film's sadistic hillbilly brothers. Everytime they opened their mouths I wanted to stick my fist in it. Kudos, gentlemen. You've made me despise rednecks that much more. And that's quite an accomplishment.
What about P.J. Soles, you ask? Well, the less said the better. If you've ever wondered why she doesn't get steady work, behold her performance as Mrs. MacDonald. Yikes.
On the horror front, there IS quite a bit of squishiness to satisfy your need for blood and guts. The aforementioned wood chipper scene is probably the best of the bunch, though there's a beheading and a dual dismemberment/disembowelment to look forward to, as well. The DVD I viewed was unrated, so unless Anchor Bay decides to cut the hell out of this thing before its proper release, you're good to go in the violence department. That said, there are few genuine scares to be found in The Tooth Fairy. Had Bowman decided to keep the witch in the shadows until, say, the hour mark, perhaps I would've found her to be a bit more sinister than I currently do. Watch this one for the gore, not for the scares. Otherwise, you'll be totally disappointed.
At the end of the day, The Tooth Fairy is a perfect example of throwaway horror entertainment. The filmmakers may not appreciate the label I have bestowed upon their nifty little production, but that's just the way the world works sometimes. To treat this flick as anything other than a B-movie time-waster would be an exercise in delusion. It's an entertaining ride with enough gore and goofiness to satisfy those who enjoy this sort of thing, but the the more discerning horror fanatic will have their issues with it. In other words, those looking for anything substantial should probably look elsewhere. I know plenty of people who love this sort of thing, and I totally plan to point them in The Tooth Fairy's general direction. Whether or not they decide to take the plunge is up to them. I'd hate for them to take their hatred of this film out on me.
After all, I'm pretty attached to my teeth.
---
Stephen J. Cannell and Anchor Bay have been busy, busy, busy here lately. In addition to producing It Waits and Demon Hunter -- which have been discussed at length on this very site -- the veteran television wizard has also been involved with Steven R. Monroe's Left in Darkness and Don Michael Paul's The Garden, two films I'm actually looking forward to. Say what you will, but I find these Anchor Bay releases to be quite satisfying...in a disposable/fast food kind of way. It's not that I find them to be particularly good, mind you, but they do manage to entertain my sorry behind for roughly 90 minutes or so. They remind me of the direct-to-video releases I used to rent in the early 90's, though Cannell's productions tend to be a bit more polished than the majority of the garbage that contaminated my VCR back in the day. So sitting down with Stephen's recent production, entitled The Tooth Fairy, didn't seem like much of a stretch for yours truly. And though it does tackle the same subject matter found in 2003's Darkness Falls, I found Chuck Bowman's gory little creature feature to be infinitely more satisfying. Again, the filmmakers aren't trying to redefine the genre with this low-budget horror opus; they're just trying to entertain you with a little slice of throwaway cinema. And if you can give into the cheese, you'll do just fine.
Hunky nice guy Peter Campbell (Lochlyn Munro) has recently deserted his medical career and his budding relationship for the spacious countryside, where he plans to spend his days operating a bed & breakfast while attempting to hone his skills as an author. Peter invites ex-girlfriend Darcy and her young daughter Pamela to the house in hopes of convincing them that life in the country isn't as bad as they think it is. Of course, things get off to a rough start when Darcy is almost raped by the bumpkins who were squatting on Peter's property, causing his "sexy" little love interest to question her decision to take the trip in the first place. Within moments of their arrival at Peter's quaint little inn, Pamela encounters a little girl named Emma in the woodshed, whose Little House on the Prairie wardrobe suggests she's frozen in time. Emma warns Pamela that there's an evil witch lurking around the property, one that collects teeth and murders children. Being an avid Harry Potter fan, Pamela buys the story immediately, though her mom thinks its all a product of her child's overactive imagination. Before you can say "dental dam," Peter's handyman is stuffed and shredded inside a gigantic wood chipper. Everyone is understandably upset, but not for TOO long, of course. As if on cue, a kooky neighbor (P.J. Soles) confirms Pamela's story about the crazy witch with a tooth fetish, though Darcy and Peter believe the strange happenings to be the work of the redneck brothers who almost had their way with Pamela's curvy MILF. Could all this nonsense be the work of a pair of inbred siblings, or is something much more sinister afoot inside the bed & breakfast?
As you may have guessed from my attempt to summarize the proceedings, The Tooth Fairy isn't the most original idea to come down the pipeline. In fact, it's almost an entirely generic premise altogether. Creature in house terrorizes occupants. Big wow. However, Chuck Bowman manages to breath a little life into Cannell's paint-by-number script, resulting in a brisk, fast-paced jaunt through oh-so familiar territory. What separates The Tooth Fairy from Darkness Falls is the way the filmmakers have decided to tell their story. Instead of turning their goofy premise into a serious horror picture ala Jonathan Liebesman's questionable effort, Bowman and company are satisfied with wallowing in familiar B-movie territory, complete with ghostly children and sexy veterinarians. The characters are campy, the dialogue is beyond silly, and their creature is nothing more than a man in a rubber mask. But, somehow, they make it work. It also helps matters considerably that Bowman is a talented director with a history in television. And though some may claim the film feels TOO MUCH like a made-for-TV movie, this really didn't cause any hiccups in my viewing experience. Are my sights set too low? Perhaps. But when I sit down with something like The Tooth Fairy, I kind of shift gears in terms of what I expect from it. Though the script could have used a few rewrites, I can't knock the cast and crew for the shortcomings of the screenwriters.
Speaking of the cast, everyone on-board does a decent job, though some moreso than others. Lochlyn Munro is enjoyable as always, delivering a performance that's both subtle and impressive. I usually see this guy in outrageous comedic roles, so it's actually quite nice to see him turn down the intensity a bit. Chandra West is just okay, bringing nothing whatsoever to her role. That's not really a bad thing, mind you, but it does make her completely forgettable. In fact, I had to look her up on IMDB before writing this "review" since her name and face just didn't stick with me. Child actress Nicole Munoz does a fine job, as well, though it may be a little too After School Special for some genre fans to stomach. Cute kids don't mesh well with horror buffs, it seems, and I'm sure she'll be at the top of the bitch list once this movie finds its way into their home entertainment systems. I will say that Peter New and Ben Cotton are probably the best of the bunch as the film's sadistic hillbilly brothers. Everytime they opened their mouths I wanted to stick my fist in it. Kudos, gentlemen. You've made me despise rednecks that much more. And that's quite an accomplishment.
What about P.J. Soles, you ask? Well, the less said the better. If you've ever wondered why she doesn't get steady work, behold her performance as Mrs. MacDonald. Yikes.
On the horror front, there IS quite a bit of squishiness to satisfy your need for blood and guts. The aforementioned wood chipper scene is probably the best of the bunch, though there's a beheading and a dual dismemberment/disembowelment to look forward to, as well. The DVD I viewed was unrated, so unless Anchor Bay decides to cut the hell out of this thing before its proper release, you're good to go in the violence department. That said, there are few genuine scares to be found in The Tooth Fairy. Had Bowman decided to keep the witch in the shadows until, say, the hour mark, perhaps I would've found her to be a bit more sinister than I currently do. Watch this one for the gore, not for the scares. Otherwise, you'll be totally disappointed.
At the end of the day, The Tooth Fairy is a perfect example of throwaway horror entertainment. The filmmakers may not appreciate the label I have bestowed upon their nifty little production, but that's just the way the world works sometimes. To treat this flick as anything other than a B-movie time-waster would be an exercise in delusion. It's an entertaining ride with enough gore and goofiness to satisfy those who enjoy this sort of thing, but the the more discerning horror fanatic will have their issues with it. In other words, those looking for anything substantial should probably look elsewhere. I know plenty of people who love this sort of thing, and I totally plan to point them in The Tooth Fairy's general direction. Whether or not they decide to take the plunge is up to them. I'd hate for them to take their hatred of this film out on me.
After all, I'm pretty attached to my teeth.