T. Rigney (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} filmfiend) wrote,@ 2006-03-09 15:41:00 |
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Half Past Dead
Seagal in prison. Again. With rappers.
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What can I say? I've developed a twisted love affair with the work of Steven Seagal, a man whose films never cease to amaze me. Not because they're breathtaking works of art, mind you, but because they're so outlandishly stupid that it boggles the mind that someone actually thought they might make a few bucks off Seagal's fading star. In the past few weeks, I've managed to obtain a large section of the man's body of work, including his old and new releases. The fim's made during his prime aren't that great to begin with, making his most recent efforts seem like cinematic gold in comparison.
Today's subject is 2002's Half Past Dead, the follow-up to Exit Wounds, Seagal's first buddy picture featuring a rapper-turned-actor. In that particular film, Seagal found himself side-by-side with DMX, a guy who might make a decent B-lister if he'd just drop that tired "gangsta" persona he uses for each and every film he stars in. Since that movie was reasonably successful, it's no surprise that Seagal finds himself teamed up with sensitive thug Ja Rule in Half Past Dead, Treach in Today You Die, and MC Harvey in Out for a Kill. Seagal plus rappers equals surefire mayhem, correct?
Wrong!
Seagal stars as undercover FBI agent Sasah Petrochivich, who finds himself in prison after a near-death experience. This sequence, which shows up early in the film, finds Seagal suffering from a particularly nasty gunshot wound. Just as he begins to flatline, our chubby hero has some sort of fuzzy wet dream featuring the legendary beefy one and some random woman making out for no particular reason. Since the lady in question -- and I use that term loosely -- only shows up in this uncomfortable scene, it begs the question, "How much money does an actor get paid to make out with Steven Seagal?" I'll leave you to ponder this inquiry as I continue bringing you up to speed.
Anyway, Seagal's in prison with his "partner" Nick Fraser (Ja Rule), who's under the delusion that his clunky white buddy is a master car thief. Seriously. He does. They banter, laugh, and share random bits of dialogue while 49er One (Morris Chestnut) and 49er Six (Nia Peeples) infiltrate the prison in order to extort gold from a death row inmate who's just minutes away from meeting his maker. Little do they know that they have an undercover agent in their midst, not to mention a master of his own trademark brand of hilarious aikido slap-fighting. Hijunks ensue. If you don't know that Seagal will win and everybody will die, then you probably need to watch more Seagal movies.
What can I say? It's bad, through and through. Seagal lumbers through the material, delivering his lines with ample amounts of lethargy while throwing his weight around the set as things blow up all around him. Ja Rule, meanwhile, makes an honest effort to deliver a believeable performance, though he's definitely no DMX. Chestnut proves once again that Boyz In Tha Hood is his best role to date, while Nia Peeples steals the show as a martial arts vixen wrapped in skin-tight leather. For shits and giggles, we get a hostage subplot, as well as some mish-mash about hidden gold. It's like watching a live action cartoon written by fifth graders, most of whom were raised on Jackie Chan films and USA Network original movies. You will have fun watching scenes from your favorite movies pop up here and there, masquerading as original content. In fact, make a drinking game of it; you'll be on the floor groping your sister by the half-hour mark.
We do get a few nifty fight scenes, though the most outstanding belongs to Peeples, who gleefully wipes the floor with Ja Rule's stunt double. Seagal, as always, prefers to stand in one place while his assailants close in for the kill. Instead of taking the offensive, Seagal is content with his bulky defense, delivering girly blocks before twisting an arm and tossing his opponent across the room. Since this outing is rated PG-13, we don't get any nasty breaks or bloody kills. Just lots of kicks, flips, and wire-fu. However, it was kind of fun watching our man of the hour swing around like a bloated money corpse on a chain while attempting to knock Chestnut to the ground. Lively it ain't. Funny, well, that all depends on your sense of humor. If my house had aisles, I'd be rolling in them.
Half Past Dead is for REAL Seagal fans only, and even then I hesitant to recommend it. I had fun watching it, of course, but not as much fun as I had with, say, Out for a Kill and Into the Sun, both of which are drool-cup retarded. But if you enjoy B-grade action flicks and don't mind watching a fat man kick some ass, Half Past Dead is an interesting way to spend an afternoon while your wife naps on the couch. Just don't be surprised if she wakes up, gives you a strange look, then shakes her head disapprovingly. Mine did that several times, and I often wonder if she thinks me insane. Perhaps I am.
Perhaps I am.
Seagal in prison. Again. With rappers.
---
What can I say? I've developed a twisted love affair with the work of Steven Seagal, a man whose films never cease to amaze me. Not because they're breathtaking works of art, mind you, but because they're so outlandishly stupid that it boggles the mind that someone actually thought they might make a few bucks off Seagal's fading star. In the past few weeks, I've managed to obtain a large section of the man's body of work, including his old and new releases. The fim's made during his prime aren't that great to begin with, making his most recent efforts seem like cinematic gold in comparison.
Today's subject is 2002's Half Past Dead, the follow-up to Exit Wounds, Seagal's first buddy picture featuring a rapper-turned-actor. In that particular film, Seagal found himself side-by-side with DMX, a guy who might make a decent B-lister if he'd just drop that tired "gangsta" persona he uses for each and every film he stars in. Since that movie was reasonably successful, it's no surprise that Seagal finds himself teamed up with sensitive thug Ja Rule in Half Past Dead, Treach in Today You Die, and MC Harvey in Out for a Kill. Seagal plus rappers equals surefire mayhem, correct?
Wrong!
Seagal stars as undercover FBI agent Sasah Petrochivich, who finds himself in prison after a near-death experience. This sequence, which shows up early in the film, finds Seagal suffering from a particularly nasty gunshot wound. Just as he begins to flatline, our chubby hero has some sort of fuzzy wet dream featuring the legendary beefy one and some random woman making out for no particular reason. Since the lady in question -- and I use that term loosely -- only shows up in this uncomfortable scene, it begs the question, "How much money does an actor get paid to make out with Steven Seagal?" I'll leave you to ponder this inquiry as I continue bringing you up to speed.
Anyway, Seagal's in prison with his "partner" Nick Fraser (Ja Rule), who's under the delusion that his clunky white buddy is a master car thief. Seriously. He does. They banter, laugh, and share random bits of dialogue while 49er One (Morris Chestnut) and 49er Six (Nia Peeples) infiltrate the prison in order to extort gold from a death row inmate who's just minutes away from meeting his maker. Little do they know that they have an undercover agent in their midst, not to mention a master of his own trademark brand of hilarious aikido slap-fighting. Hijunks ensue. If you don't know that Seagal will win and everybody will die, then you probably need to watch more Seagal movies.
What can I say? It's bad, through and through. Seagal lumbers through the material, delivering his lines with ample amounts of lethargy while throwing his weight around the set as things blow up all around him. Ja Rule, meanwhile, makes an honest effort to deliver a believeable performance, though he's definitely no DMX. Chestnut proves once again that Boyz In Tha Hood is his best role to date, while Nia Peeples steals the show as a martial arts vixen wrapped in skin-tight leather. For shits and giggles, we get a hostage subplot, as well as some mish-mash about hidden gold. It's like watching a live action cartoon written by fifth graders, most of whom were raised on Jackie Chan films and USA Network original movies. You will have fun watching scenes from your favorite movies pop up here and there, masquerading as original content. In fact, make a drinking game of it; you'll be on the floor groping your sister by the half-hour mark.
We do get a few nifty fight scenes, though the most outstanding belongs to Peeples, who gleefully wipes the floor with Ja Rule's stunt double. Seagal, as always, prefers to stand in one place while his assailants close in for the kill. Instead of taking the offensive, Seagal is content with his bulky defense, delivering girly blocks before twisting an arm and tossing his opponent across the room. Since this outing is rated PG-13, we don't get any nasty breaks or bloody kills. Just lots of kicks, flips, and wire-fu. However, it was kind of fun watching our man of the hour swing around like a bloated money corpse on a chain while attempting to knock Chestnut to the ground. Lively it ain't. Funny, well, that all depends on your sense of humor. If my house had aisles, I'd be rolling in them.
Half Past Dead is for REAL Seagal fans only, and even then I hesitant to recommend it. I had fun watching it, of course, but not as much fun as I had with, say, Out for a Kill and Into the Sun, both of which are drool-cup retarded. But if you enjoy B-grade action flicks and don't mind watching a fat man kick some ass, Half Past Dead is an interesting way to spend an afternoon while your wife naps on the couch. Just don't be surprised if she wakes up, gives you a strange look, then shakes her head disapprovingly. Mine did that several times, and I often wonder if she thinks me insane. Perhaps I am.
Perhaps I am.
