Bloodrayne
Boll pushes his luck.

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I'm going to be brutally honest here: I own two Uwe Boll movies on DVD. AND I paid full price for them. House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark are proud members of my collection, and I'm not afraid to admit it. And though I'll still purchased Bloodrayne when it hits shelves later this month, it really did test my patience on more than one occasion. Now, I'm all about bad movies, as you may know, so Boll's abominations are something I whole-heartedly embrace with every ounce of my movie-loving soul. They are absolutely abysmal productions, for sure, but they connect with my Camp & Cheese gene, a disorder many film fans are born with. That said, Bloodrayne is just a centimeter away from being TOO terrible. For those with less tolerance for movies of this nature, it may envoke feelings of extreme anger, even uncontrollable rage. And that's fine; I totally understand. Because for this B-movie fanatic, Bloodrayne might just be the straw that breaks this camel's back.

Man, that was lazy writing. I'll be better. Honest.

Anyway, Bloodrayne is yet another video game adaptation for the good doctor, who apparently doesn't plan to cease this annoying trend anytime soon. In this particular outing, we're presented with a pretty convoluted storyline about a half-vampire named Rayne and her desire to destroy her estranged father Kagan, who murdered the lovely little lass' mother right before her very eyes when she was only three apples high. During her blood-soaked quest for revenge, Ms. Rayne acquires a number of interesting objects that will ultimately prove useful, such as a disembodied eye that protects her from the dangers of common tap water, and a heart that does, um, something else. Oh, and there's a few humans who want to help her...or for her to help them. I'm not entirely sure; you see,I stopped caring about the details regarding this particular story about halfway through the movie, so please excuse my dodgy recollection. There are lots of bloody frays and pseudo-martial arts in-between the bits of lame dialogue, and you get to see the chick from Terminator 3 with her breasts exposed. Is this part of the story, you ask? Maybe. Breasts can be effective plot points when used properly. Here, they're used to punctuate a sex scene. Nifty.

The story is -- you guessed it -- pathetic-times-infinity. Plus one. No need to really discuss it here, since there's really nothing to talk about. Just know that Guinevere Turner is an otherwise good writer; this isn't her fault. And though the cinematography is better than his previous films, the editing, pacing, and overall presentation are not. Instead, Boll distracts you with COPIOUS amounts of blood and guts. You get beheadings, dismemberments, disembowelments, stabbings, eye gouging, blood-sucking -- the film is literally overloaded with squishy violence, which comes courtesy of German gore professor Olaf Ittenbach, director of the so-so Beyond the Limits and the terrible Legion of the Dead. Oh, and Premutos. Which I liked. Sword wounds and severed limbs spray like busted water pipes, not unlike Takashi Miike's Ichi the Killer and the UNCUT version of Tarantino's Kill Bill Vol. 1. Boll definitely delivered on the gore. For that, he should be proud. It's been a long time since I've seen so much pointless viscera in one movie. Congratulations, doctor!

Now comes the most puzzles aspect of the movie: How in the hell did Boll attract Ben Kingley to this project? Money? Drugs? Dirty pictures? HOW?! Not only did he get an Oscar WINNER, but he recruited such middle-of-the-road talent as Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez and Billy Zane, as well. If that's not enough to dazzle your senses, Uwe also managed to snag some cult favorites, including the creepy Udo Kier, washed-up moron Michael Pare, and Meat Loaf. Oh, I'm sorry. Meatloaf Aday. Because, you know, when you work in classy movies like this, you gotta use yer FANCY name. But, I digress. What makes this cast so unbelievable, so utterly preposterous, is that not a single one delivers a decent performance. Not one. Kingsley looks stoned, Madsen looks bored, Rodriguez looks butch, and everyone else -- well, everyone else is just there for the paycheck. Boll must throw a lot of dough at these guys. A LOT of dough. Otherwise, it's just career suicide. For a more acts of casting genius, take a look at the cats who signed up for Dungeon Siege. Yikes.

Bloodrayne, sadly, is just embarrassing for all involved. It makes the cast look bad, it makes Boll look bad, and it makes VIDEO GAMES look bad. Kingsley and Madsen should be ashamed. Everyone else better hope and pray that this one doesn't sink their careers deeper than the Titanic. Billy Zane can't take too many hits to the resume, and Mr. Aday might as well just hang it up. Boll, on the other hand, is still kicking right along, making B-Grade trash with big-budget values. It's mind-boggling; how the man keeps working is beyond my comprehension. But, hey, the DVD comes with a Bloodrayne video game, an uncut version of the movie, and, hopefully, yet another fun-filled commentary by Dr. Uwe Boll himself. That's good...right? Well, it hooked this fish, and it's probably going to hook others. Bloodrayne definitely isn't going to win the much-hated director any new fans. In fact, it may push those he has to the other side. I know it made me think twice about my purchase.

And at this point, he can't afford to lose any paying customers.