Submerged
Can a man live on Steven Seagal films alone? Time will tell.

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Hey, remember when you were a kid and your mom warned you over and over about eating too much candy? She said it would rot your teeth, upset your stomach, and ruin your dinner. Well, the same can be said for watching too many Steven Seagal pictures in one day. In 24 hours I've endured Belly of the Beast, Submerged, and Today You Die. Where is my mind? I feel as though my taste shouldn't be trusted anymore, considering I almost always enjoy these nutty little action films starring our favorite overweight aikido master. So how does Submerged rank with the other Seagal titles I've gorged myself on these past few weeks? Well, sit back for a little bit of literary insanity, folks, because I'm going into detail.

Submerged is just another typical Seagal picture, deviating little from the formula he seems to be quite comfortable with. His wife is dead, he's an ex-something or other, and he's been called back into action by the powers that be in order to save the world. Oh, and the film starts out in prison. AGAIN. You see, someone's been screwing around with the fragile minds of those dedicated men and women of the armed forces, imprinting images deep into the "cerebral cortex," or somesuch nonsense. The United States government has located the lab where these experiments are taking place -- which is set beneath a very large, very fake-looking dam -- and they need Seagal and his crack team of highly-trained special operatives to infiltrate the complex, rescue the hostages, and then blow the shit out of everything in sight. Our buddy Steven naturally delivers the goods, but things aren't as simple as they initially appear to be. If they were, we wouldn't have another direct-to-video Seagal flick to spend 90 minutes of our precious time with.

Thanks to the presence of lukewarm filmmaker Anthony Hickox, we get a decent production this time out. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that Submerged actually looked and felt like a real motion picture! After stomaching both Into The Sun and Out For A Kill, it's surprising that someone still wants to help make Seagal's projects look reasonably presentable. Of course, we do have quite a few problems to contend with, the most distracting being the overdubbing of countless lines of dialogue for Mr. Seagal. I mean, can't the man at least show up for the required re-recording sessions? Is he in such high demand that he can't squeeze an afternoon of voice-over work into his schedule? Being a musician, you'd think Steven would understand the fine art of sound, so it boggles the mind that he would allow someone else to fill in for him. And quite poorly, I might add. Regardless of how you feel about him, the man has a distinct voice, and one familiar with his work can easily spot an imposter a mile away. Maybe he doesn't really give a damn about these movies; maybe they're just paychecks. Pardon me for thinking he actually cared about things like integrity.

Aikido fiends and die hard fans of our hero's trademark bitch-slap blocks will be greatly disappointed with Submerged. Most of the action relies heavily on poorly-edited bullet ballets, with Seagal emptying countless rounds from his bottomless clips into bad guys who don't understand the simple concept for TAKING COVER. Like Belly of the Beast, these braindead lemmings just run right into the middle of a gun fight, eager to taste hot lead for the first and last time. The one fight scene that could have been great comes at the end of the film, which finds Seagal matched with a burly black dude who's pretty much his equal in the weight department. Alas, we're given just a taste of the former ass-kicker's prowess, resulting in a sequence that's both too short and completely underwhelming.

Things are so bad, though. In fact, there are quite a few things to enjoy, including but not limited to: William Hope, watching Seagal talk in another man's voice, Vinnie Jones, watching a model dam explode, and a well-executed car chase with lots of bings, bangs, and bumps. The story is ridiculous, as always, and proves once again that absolutely no thought whatsoever goes into making these things seem even quasi-intelligent. None. I'd be surprised if the script was longer than, say, 20 pages or so. And that's being generous. Then again, if Seagal were cranking out truly masterful action pictures, I don't think I'd be having as much fun as I am right now. Hoorah for video stores who stock bad movies! Hoorah for me, who helps keep these stores clean by dusting off the titles in their catalogs that nobody in their right mind would rent!

My Seagal obsession currently knows no bounds; as of this writing, I'm only missing two Seagal pictures -- On Deadly Ground and The Patriot -- in my vast collection of wretched cinema. To make my day even brighter, he's got two more epics on the docket this year, the first being released on April 18th. I can't recall the name of the film at the moment, but I really don't care. As long as it features Seagal, at least one scene of aikido wizardry, and a plot that would make any devote Christian question the existence of an All-Mighty God, I'm there. With bells on. Scratch that. I'll be there in an all-black outfit and a clip-on ponytail. And while you're waiting for my next entry in this very odd series of reviews, saunter down to your local video store and rent Submerged. I'm kidding. Those who like Seagal have already seen this movie. The rest of you were smart enough to roll your eyes and walk away.

But keep cranking them out, Seagal. I need my fix.

Desperately.