Final Destination 3
The novelty wears thin.

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Hey, did you ever play that old PC game The Incredible Machine? Too young to remember the days of floppy disks and EGA graphics? Well, let me fill you in. The Incredible Machine, developed by Sierra On-Line, was just another variation of the tried-and-true "puzzle game" that's still wildly popular on home computers. In this particular time-waster you're presented with a number of unrelated objects, such as a nail, a rat, a piece of twine, and a red rubber ball. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to use these items to achieve a particular goal assigned at the beginning of the level. For instance, these items could be used to, say, open a locked door or free a midget from a gilded cage suspended from the ceiling. That sort of thing. As the levels progress, of course, the tasks get more difficult to complete. If you're a fan of the titles released by Gamehouse and its ilk, tracking down a copy of The Incredible Machine might bring a smile to your puzzle-worn mug. Give it a shot sometime. It comes highly recommended by this old-school gamer.

The reason for this lengthy introduction is because James Wong's Final Destination 3 is essentially The Incredible Machine with a feeble storyline, paper-thin characters, and a hefty dose of gory violence. The plot -- if you can truly call it that -- is the same as parts one and two, with our hero or heroine experiencing a vivid premonition of some catastrophic event moments before he or she bites the dust. This person, upon awakening from this nasty little dream, promptly freaks out and ultimately saves a handful of people from whatever disaster is set to unfold. In this case, our heroic high school photographer prevents several of her classmates from perishing on a malfunctioning roller coaster, only to watch those fortunate few die one-by-one in the order they would have perished on that doomed carnival ride. This usually involves scenarios derived from the software title I just described, from an inspired bit inside a Home Depot-type establishment to a particularly nasty encounter at a drive-through window. If you're not into grisly deaths made to shock and disgust, there's really no reason to watch yet another entry into what is essentially a series of big-budget snuff films.

Because, like the mythical snuff film, the only reason you're watching is to see people die. If you claim to be here for the story, well, you may need professional emotional assistance. Please google your problem upon completion of this "review."

James Wong, who returns to the director's chair after being missing-in-action since 2001's Jet Li vehicle The One, is certainly good at what he does. The movie looks sharp, sounds wonderful, and is decently paced. In other words, the direction is just fine, thank you very much. The problems with FD3 lie in its script, which is just too stupid my taste. And if it's too stupid for me, well, it might just be too stupid for ANYONE. All of the characters are shallow, ignorant, and empty, though it could be argued that this was completely intentional. After all, they're just slabs of gorgeous meat, right? Pretty little cows for the beautiful slaughter? They exist for the sole purpose of dying because that's the film's GIMMICK. That's the only thing it has to offer its audience. Introduce a gaggle of forgettable characters and then butcher them all in a series of increasingly "clever" set pieces using the formula set forth in the original Final Destination and Sierra's The Incredible Machine. We don't need them to be deep, do we? Too much emotional investment would be a big downer; we need to be entirely detached when our on-screen companions fry like strips of beef jerky in those oh-so foreboding tanning beds. Otherwise it would just be too depressing. Too brutal. So maybe that isn't really a widespread problem, but it certainly is for me. I like investing a little in the characters, especially the ones I like. Unfortunately for me, there are NO LIKABLE CHARACTERS in Final Destination 3. None. I wanted them all dead as soon as humanly possible.

Again, maybe this is the point. I'm not sure. As it stands, watching the Final Destination films is like watching a slasher without a flesh-and-blood killer. Take that however you wish.

The cast is pretty, plastic, and downright pathetic. The performances are the stuff of canceled WB teen dramas and 15-second blackhead commercials. They get you from one scene to the next just fine, but that's about it. Thankfully, most of the annoying characters are stripped of their mortal coil pretty quickly, alleviating a lot of the irritation found in the first half-hour or so. The death scenes themselves aren't too shabby, ranging from oh-my-Lord shocking to hardcore gore played for laughs and giggles. Most of these sinister moments utilize extensive CGI, but to be fair, these computer-assisted deaths do require elaborate effects to make them work. My two biggest complaints are probably the opening roller coaster sequence and a tacked-on conclusion involving a runaway subway train, both of which suffer from VERY poor special effects. The latter looks like test footage from the end of Speed, while the former just appears unfinished. Perhaps Wong should have extended the post-production just a few more months to polish some of the movie's weaker gags. I'm just saying.

If you like to watch people -- and I use that term loosely -- die in a variety of interesting ways, Final Destination 3 is sure to satisfy your bloodlust. However, if you're in the market for an interesting story with depth and meaning, this isn't for you. But I seriously doubt FD3 was ever intended to be anything other than disposable entertainment for the cellphone set. If Wong and company had spent a little more time developing characters we haven't seen in billion other productions, perhaps this third entry wouldn't be such a letdown for me. This series, in my humble opinion, is getting progressively worse with each new addition, and the inclusion of death-by-fad technology is laughable at best. Death by tanning bed? Haunted digital cameras that predict the future? And I thought One Missed Call was silly. What's next? Death by iPod?

If you listen to anything emo on a regular basis, then you already know what that's like.