T. Rigney (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} filmfiend) wrote,@ 2006-12-06 16:42:00 |
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Batman Forever
Bat-Nipples and Val Kilmer. Nuff said.
---
Yes, dear readers, it would seem that I have finally taken way too many blows to the ol' noodle. While digging through a used DVD dump bin last spring, I discovered a worn copy of Batman Forever lurking towards the bottom, which really comes as no surprise. Outside of Batman & Robin, it's easily the worst of the bunch, maybe moreso since it presented director Joel Schumacher with his first opportunity to botch a then-flawless franchise. But, I digress. Thinking that the three-dollar price tag was too good to pass up, I absent-mindedly purchased the damned thing and stuffed it into my collection, where it sat unwatched until just recently. For some odd reason, I thought, "Hey! Maybe Batman Forever will be a guilty pleasure. After all, it can't be as bad as I remember it. Right?" WRONG. Batman Forever is reason enough to swear off Schumacher's films until either you or I have the distinct pleasure of beating his head open with a silent butler. It's horribly directed, completely miscast, and basically defecates all over what Burton was trying to accomplish with the first two films. Instead of sticking to the dark and dreary scenario painted by the Beetlejuice director, he instead borrows HEAVILY from the embarrassingly awful television program from yester-year. What am I trying to say, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.
Batman Forever should have cost Schumacher his life.
I kid, I kid. Of COURSE someone shouldn't die merely because they botched a film adaptation of a goofy little funny book worshiped by millions of pasty white comic book fans the world over. That's harsh. But having his arms removed, his testicles gnawed off by rabid beavers, or being forced to inject cancer into his first-born would have been sufficient. Because Schumacher's involvement in this franchise is not unlike cancer: He is the disease, and Batman is the breast on which he feasts. Yuck. Anyway, in his first effort as the mastermind behind The Bat, Joel pits our hero against Two-Face and The Riddler, two reasonably-threatening enemies from the comics. While Two-Face is content with sending legions of goons to destroy Batman, the spastic Riddler has actually devised a sinister device -- shaped like a blender, no less -- that manipulates the simplistic brainwaves of the moronic Gotham City types. Why? Well, both of them want to destroy Batman, you see, and this crazy contraption will allow these devilish fiends to peak inside the hollow heads of those who purchase The Riddler's innocent entertainment system. Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne tries to slip the sausage to Chase Meridian, a character whose sole purpose is to try to bed the caped crusader. Can Batsy stop these seemingly unstoppable villains before his secret is leaked to the general public? More importantly, does anyone care that Schumacher finally got around to adding Robin to the storyline? Probably not, since he's basically written as an afterthought to everything else.
The character of Batman simply does NOT work as camp. His origins are much darker than, say, Spider-Man, Captain America, or any of those other so-called superheroes. Maybe it's because Batman is just a guy in a suit, not some square-jawed freak that can blast asteroids with lasers that explode from his eye sockets. Makes sense to me. Burton seemed to understand this apparently abstract concept, and his first two features proudly displayed Bruce Wayne in all his flawed glory. Schumacher, on the other hand, resorts to the tired comedy of the television series, complete with goofy sound effects for the dumbest gestures and situations. The entire movie unfolds like a Downs Syndrome version of the comic books, lensed with all the subtlety of an amusement park funhouse powered by psychedelic drugs. Maybe that's what Schumacher and the screenwriters had in mind. Maybe they wanted this pathetic little motion picture to be a reflection of that cheesy television program. But after seeing what Batman is like as a darkly tragic figure, I'm really not interested in seeing close-ups of his ass or listening to him crack wise to no one in particular. No wonder Michael Keaton dropped out. The script, like the direction, is an outright failure. How he was allowed to lense a sequel is truly mind-boggling. I guess it all comes down to box office numbers.
Which brings me to the cast. Yikes. Now, I'm a Val Kilmer fan, but who in their right mind would cast him as Bruce Wayne/Batman? He's all wrong. Kilmer is too wooden to pull off Wayne's tortured psyche, though he does look decent in the costume. I guess that was enough. The villains are almost as bad, if not moreso. Tommy Lee Jones is just terrible as Two-Face; his performance is strained at best, leaving you to wonder what, exactly, Schumacher and the producers were smoking when they sat down to cast this thing. Jim Carrey isn't nearly as bad as Jones, but his over-the-top shenanigans had pretty much worn thin by the time Batman Forever was released on those poor, unsuspecting fans. Eleven years later, Carrey's not quite as annoying, but I wonder how the role would have turned out had it been given to someone with a bit more self-control. Nicole Kidman is pointless, Drew Barrymore is talentless, Debi Mazar should never be seen without thick pants and a wool sweater, and Chris O'Donnell should have been sold into white slavery after his bratty little turn as the snarky Dick Grayson. In fact, the only notable performance comes from Michael Gough, who once again makes me wish I had a gentle man-servant by my side.
Batman Forever and its half-baked follow-up Batman & Robin were so God-awful that it would take years of head-hanging and someone with the talent of Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale to bring the franchise back to life. And while I'm not saying that Batman Begins is exactly a perfect re-imagining of the series, it's definitely a step in the right direction. Schumacher's career has recovered from this debacle, with the man going as far as to apologize to Batman fans on the 2-disc Batman & Robin commentary. He claims to have been under pressure to deliver a more accessible film, but methinks other avenues could have been explored. Nipples, the last time I checked, don't help put butts in seats, nor do close-ups of our hero(es) in his form-fitting costume. Ugh. Batman Forever, as it stands, is an interesting curiosity, and should only be investigated by those who wish to see how and why the franchise started down the path of ruin. Be warned: There's truly no other reason to watch this sorry excuse for a comic book movie.
Unless you just like seeing pepperoni on Batman's pecs.
Bat-Nipples and Val Kilmer. Nuff said.
---
Yes, dear readers, it would seem that I have finally taken way too many blows to the ol' noodle. While digging through a used DVD dump bin last spring, I discovered a worn copy of Batman Forever lurking towards the bottom, which really comes as no surprise. Outside of Batman & Robin, it's easily the worst of the bunch, maybe moreso since it presented director Joel Schumacher with his first opportunity to botch a then-flawless franchise. But, I digress. Thinking that the three-dollar price tag was too good to pass up, I absent-mindedly purchased the damned thing and stuffed it into my collection, where it sat unwatched until just recently. For some odd reason, I thought, "Hey! Maybe Batman Forever will be a guilty pleasure. After all, it can't be as bad as I remember it. Right?" WRONG. Batman Forever is reason enough to swear off Schumacher's films until either you or I have the distinct pleasure of beating his head open with a silent butler. It's horribly directed, completely miscast, and basically defecates all over what Burton was trying to accomplish with the first two films. Instead of sticking to the dark and dreary scenario painted by the Beetlejuice director, he instead borrows HEAVILY from the embarrassingly awful television program from yester-year. What am I trying to say, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.
Batman Forever should have cost Schumacher his life.
I kid, I kid. Of COURSE someone shouldn't die merely because they botched a film adaptation of a goofy little funny book worshiped by millions of pasty white comic book fans the world over. That's harsh. But having his arms removed, his testicles gnawed off by rabid beavers, or being forced to inject cancer into his first-born would have been sufficient. Because Schumacher's involvement in this franchise is not unlike cancer: He is the disease, and Batman is the breast on which he feasts. Yuck. Anyway, in his first effort as the mastermind behind The Bat, Joel pits our hero against Two-Face and The Riddler, two reasonably-threatening enemies from the comics. While Two-Face is content with sending legions of goons to destroy Batman, the spastic Riddler has actually devised a sinister device -- shaped like a blender, no less -- that manipulates the simplistic brainwaves of the moronic Gotham City types. Why? Well, both of them want to destroy Batman, you see, and this crazy contraption will allow these devilish fiends to peak inside the hollow heads of those who purchase The Riddler's innocent entertainment system. Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne tries to slip the sausage to Chase Meridian, a character whose sole purpose is to try to bed the caped crusader. Can Batsy stop these seemingly unstoppable villains before his secret is leaked to the general public? More importantly, does anyone care that Schumacher finally got around to adding Robin to the storyline? Probably not, since he's basically written as an afterthought to everything else.
The character of Batman simply does NOT work as camp. His origins are much darker than, say, Spider-Man, Captain America, or any of those other so-called superheroes. Maybe it's because Batman is just a guy in a suit, not some square-jawed freak that can blast asteroids with lasers that explode from his eye sockets. Makes sense to me. Burton seemed to understand this apparently abstract concept, and his first two features proudly displayed Bruce Wayne in all his flawed glory. Schumacher, on the other hand, resorts to the tired comedy of the television series, complete with goofy sound effects for the dumbest gestures and situations. The entire movie unfolds like a Downs Syndrome version of the comic books, lensed with all the subtlety of an amusement park funhouse powered by psychedelic drugs. Maybe that's what Schumacher and the screenwriters had in mind. Maybe they wanted this pathetic little motion picture to be a reflection of that cheesy television program. But after seeing what Batman is like as a darkly tragic figure, I'm really not interested in seeing close-ups of his ass or listening to him crack wise to no one in particular. No wonder Michael Keaton dropped out. The script, like the direction, is an outright failure. How he was allowed to lense a sequel is truly mind-boggling. I guess it all comes down to box office numbers.
Which brings me to the cast. Yikes. Now, I'm a Val Kilmer fan, but who in their right mind would cast him as Bruce Wayne/Batman? He's all wrong. Kilmer is too wooden to pull off Wayne's tortured psyche, though he does look decent in the costume. I guess that was enough. The villains are almost as bad, if not moreso. Tommy Lee Jones is just terrible as Two-Face; his performance is strained at best, leaving you to wonder what, exactly, Schumacher and the producers were smoking when they sat down to cast this thing. Jim Carrey isn't nearly as bad as Jones, but his over-the-top shenanigans had pretty much worn thin by the time Batman Forever was released on those poor, unsuspecting fans. Eleven years later, Carrey's not quite as annoying, but I wonder how the role would have turned out had it been given to someone with a bit more self-control. Nicole Kidman is pointless, Drew Barrymore is talentless, Debi Mazar should never be seen without thick pants and a wool sweater, and Chris O'Donnell should have been sold into white slavery after his bratty little turn as the snarky Dick Grayson. In fact, the only notable performance comes from Michael Gough, who once again makes me wish I had a gentle man-servant by my side.
Batman Forever and its half-baked follow-up Batman & Robin were so God-awful that it would take years of head-hanging and someone with the talent of Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale to bring the franchise back to life. And while I'm not saying that Batman Begins is exactly a perfect re-imagining of the series, it's definitely a step in the right direction. Schumacher's career has recovered from this debacle, with the man going as far as to apologize to Batman fans on the 2-disc Batman & Robin commentary. He claims to have been under pressure to deliver a more accessible film, but methinks other avenues could have been explored. Nipples, the last time I checked, don't help put butts in seats, nor do close-ups of our hero(es) in his form-fitting costume. Ugh. Batman Forever, as it stands, is an interesting curiosity, and should only be investigated by those who wish to see how and why the franchise started down the path of ruin. Be warned: There's truly no other reason to watch this sorry excuse for a comic book movie.
Unless you just like seeing pepperoni on Batman's pecs.
